I couldn’t stop it

This was a tough day: I’ve been preparing for a training class that I had to lead for several days, checking and making notes, preparing guidebooks, reviewing the power point presentation against the flow of speech, anticipating and answering questions, and fact checking the information I had on hand. I even made sure to let the team know that I would need to take my lunch at the usual time, which would allow enough time to set up before the class began at 1. That was the plan.

And I was screwed before I even got out of bed for the day, having woken up around 2:30 this morning and struggled to get back to sleep. I think I drifted off around 6 and my alarm went off at 6:30. Strike one.

I got to work 10 minutes later than normal-but figured that would be fine since I would be working and extra hour in the afternoon. But then I got busy and the one thing I told myself I couldn’t forget, was to remind the team again that I needed to leave for lunch as close to my usual time as possible…and I forgot to remind them. Not intentionally, I got distracted, and involved, and had my attention diverted multiple times…that’s not unusual, except when I’m low on sleep, and don’t function at my normal capacity. And lunch did not occur on time. Strike two.

When my coverage arrived late back from their break-I had just cleaned up a pretty difficult encounter, contacted another party about required, updated information we needed, and reviewed a supervisor’s reply and direction for a third event that I just did not have the time to resolve at the time. I just shut everything down, finished up my last note, transferred the last call I accepted, grabbed my things, and a lunch that was kindly delivered to me, and booked it.
The person that covered for me decided that my very quiet if not frustrated departure required a snarky comment, and a degrading comment on a group Team’s channel, and I was not left in the best mindset heading into lunch. I reported both to my lead and took a screen shot of the remark, demanding that it be taken down or I would be going to HR. Yeah, try me.

So I left frustrated, but I was quiet; I get quiet because it gives me time to reflect, not just react. I didn’t berate you for not having the decency to let anyone know that something had come up over your break-I learned long ago that there are things I don’t know and I’m not privy to-but its common sense to reach out to a supervisor if you’re going to exceed your allotted break time. Strike 3.

So I sat in Kevin’s office and tried to get myself together, I closed the door so it would be quiet; I did not have time to have time to fall into my feels, I needed to calm down and mentally prepare for my class. Success.

And it went well. The class was engaging and asked thoughtful questions that I was well prepared for.

And when I got home, I let Kevin know about it all. I just let it all out. All the anger and frustration from all of it. Just let it all out and let myself breathe. And then I cried. Just for a few minutes when Kevin hugged me, and I thought that was it.

But after dinner, I was reading quietly, thinking about the conversation I was going to have with my supervisor tomorrow, and felt myself getting worked up again. Stupid lack of sleep helps nothing, anywhere, ever.
I started my breathing exercises, and after a minute or two, when I felt like it wasn’t enough, reached out to grab Kevin’s hand. He immediately asked if I was ok and when I let him know my anxiety was kicking up, asked whether I needed a big hug. I said yes, and stepped into him for the second time tonight.
I kept going with my box breathing, and that didn’t work; I took deeper breaths, and held them longer, and then I started shaking. I couldn’t stop it. I starting baby running feet-you know-the quick steps when there’s too much energy and nowhere to expel it. It was a little scary how quickly the anxiety took over and before long, I was full on sobbing again. I couldn’t stop it, so I gave up and leaned into it, and just cried into Kevin’s shoulder.

I don’t know how long we stood in the living room like that. I just knew I needed to pull myself together; the kids know I’ve struggled with this since Kevin’s accident, but I’ve done everything I can not to have a reaction like that in front of them. I didn’t want them to see me like that now, not ever.

So yeah, it was a day. I haven’t had an anxiety attack like that in…several months. And I couldn’t stop it.