Not Alone

My friend is leaving me tomorrow. And I’m so proud of them for it, even if I’m sad for me.
They are one of the best people that I know. Kind, funny, hard-working, and caring. Always willing to lend an ear or cry with me, whichever I might need.

And they’re checking themselves into an inpatient facility.

We talk, obviously. They are as open about their therapy as I am. We have no reason to be ashamed.

So when they told me today they are leaving tomorrow for this, I gave them a hug, told them I was proud of them, and let them know that if anyone gives them grief for this incredibly courageous decision, to send them to me and I’ll throat punch them. I reiterated that there is nothing to be ashamed of in this. And to make sure their family have my number in case they need it.

I also sent a follow-up text this afternoon: “Meant what I said earlier, babes. So proud that you’re taking this step. It’s hard to admit when we need help and harder to accept it sometimes. But you’re doing it. And you’ll be stronger for it, but don’t under-estimate the strength it took to take this step. And don’t forget you have people at your back every step of the way. Love you.”

I need them to know they are not alone.

I had been keeping watch lately, asking whether they ate, regular check-ins, you doing ok’s?, and how can I help? found their way into our usual banter. I knew they had been struggling…that’s one of the things with people who grow up with childhood trauma: we learn to watch and we learn how to read people exceptionally well, even the things they try to hide.

It’s one of the reason’s I don’t doubt my intuition: there are always markers, even micro-expressions, unconscious movements, things your mind picks up on even when the brain can’t explain it. I trust about me more than anything else.

So as I think about my friend leaving for a while, I did my only mental check-in. How am I feeling? Really. So here’s what I’ve got:
I’ve been working to stay present, to not anticipate the bad days taking over as the anniversary of them approach. Check. This time the last few years, I’ve overwhelmed myself with it. Right now, I’m looking at tomorrow, and our trips coming up in a few weeks. But not about the dark days.

Two. I’m still keeping my therapy to every second or third week, for now. It seems to be a good schedule for now. I’m not overwhelmed by always going to therapy, because, yes, it can be overwhelming, and I have enough time between sessions right now to consider what is bothering me, either about Kevin’s accident, or anything else that might be weighing on me.

Third, I’m finding my gym routine again. It kind of falls off in the summer, when I’d rather be out on the golf course. And now that the season is starting to wind down, I’m finding my stride again. I even broke my personal best on the elliptical by 30 seconds: first time running a mile in 10 minutes and 40 seconds. I was pretty damn proud of myself. Though I may have overdone it on the leg work out this week…it’s true what they say: leg day proves 2 things: pain is real and toilet seats are low. haha

And finally, I have a great support system around me. My Kevin, a few close work colleagues, 2-3 trustworthy friends, and Kavi. I know I can reach out to any of them if I’m struggling, no judgement, no hesitation. Even when I fall and fail, they’re still there.

So yeah, I’m feeling good, strong. Worried for my friend and determined to be their champion. Determined to start showing up a little for other’s the way they’ve shown up for me.

This whole healing thing is a trip. A good one most days.