9/11 Ghosts

You looked at my sign today, the one that I generally write inspirational quotes on; the one that usually helps myself, especially myself, and others reflect on things like patience, kindness, grace, love, and peace. 

This month, in honor of 9/11, I have written:

Never Forget, 09.11.2001

I still can’t believe it’s been 25 years since then. 

But you looked at my sign today and I never would have believed it if I hadn’t asked you to repeat yourself.

You worked as a heavy machine’s operator in New York then; you were part of a crew for search and rescue, I thought you said.

Search and rescue? I asked.

And the look you gave me said something that I will never understand, “it was awful,” you said, “search and recovery.”

I had to pause to take in the weight of those words.

Those that could be saved had been found and you and your team, multiple teams, thousands of efforts, were pulled into the search. Not for survivors, but for closure. 

The vacant look in your eyes told me you were still looking for it.  

I was overwhelmed by that look; I could sit in it for 100 years and never understand the depth of what you saw in the aftermath of 9/11.

I remember those days clearly: I was only 20. 

I remember seeing my RA at the time engrossed in the news, not even bothering to give me the smart ass comment he usually reserved for me and my sass. That was about 7:30 am, mountain time. I took the bus the 40 minutes to campus, which seemed deserted, and I got an email that classes were canceled. And when I walked into the student union, it was packed, wall to wall with students, professors, and employees… no one spoke; no one said a word. Every eye was glued to the screens, watching the aftermath of the planes hitting the towers.

There was no panic, only sheer terror. For the people in the planes, the ones in the towers, everyone on the ground, and for the world as we knew it. The news reported on the downed planes at the Pentagon and in Pennsylvania.

We watched in devastation as the towers collapsed, one by one. We listened as all the other flights were grounded. We watched as the sky filled with a plume of smoke. We watched as those at ground zero ran thru debris, and dust, and destruction.

And I said the thing I despise now, “I can’t even imagine.” No other explanation is needed here. Because I refuse to imagine it now. I couldn’t, not if I wanted to and not if I tried. Nothing could be comparable to what those people went through that day.  

And for those who made it past those days, who lived despite them on the ground, and through the media coverage, I wonder how they feel having that brought up, year after year. 

Don’t get me wrong, 9/11 should not pass without us honoring the fallen and lost; we should not forget the way an entire country came together and were united. We cannot forget those who stepped into the fear.

I guess I’m just lamenting that this is a thing this gentlemen has carried with him for the last 25 years. He’s never stopped to read my little sign before, even if he has always stopped for a brief hello and conversation.

I was honored he shared that small moment with me; that he trusted me to hold it for him for a moment.

So, as we move toward the 25th anniversary of 9/11, remember what we came together for that day.

Remember that we once believed standing together was the only way forward.

And remember, you really do never know what other’s carry.

Be safe out there.