Feeling better

Still on Alaska sleep.

Or maybe fooling myself… don’t think I’ll ever sleep peacefully again. Too many thoughts clogging up brain space.

But feeling better. Stronger.  Lighter. Still can’t wait until I can fall asleep before 2 am…getting there.  Baby steps.

Had a thing a few days back… we were making the final leg back home,  last 15 miles or so before getting back into town.  I had been reading most of the drive but I always look up as we get close.

Nothing much but the town I love before us and a small smile and deep breath crossing my features. Kevin said,  “There’s home .”

This is nothing, right? But the way he said it? It took me back to our bedroom the first day he was home after the accident. For the briefest moment,  I was there again. 

Fresh from the hospital,  the harrowing drive, the terrifying, death defying nail to the heart, the temporary, lingering grief from almost goodbye. We were standing in a moment I was too afraid to think I’d see.  “I’m home, ” he said.

I broke. Cried. Panicked.  Grieved. Choked. And celebrated.

I held it, the pain, the grief,  the memory.

Deep breath in.

Closed my eyes and slowly exhaled.

Breathed. Let it go.

I remembered the 9 agonizing nights I had to sleep away from him and thought,  “I never want to do that again.” Thought about the anxiety I feel thinking of spending a night away from him… my home. My peace.

And that’s when it struck.

It hurt because home is not a place.  It’s Kevin. 

I’m safe where his heart beats.  Loved where his soul breathes.  Real where he holds me together.  Home is where Kevin is.

I keep saying I’m not mean or selfish and I’m not. I’m real, particular, and rough around the edges. But I’m a big softy at heart.  So I’m tough but only because I learned a long time ago that being soft is a weakness. Not everyone deserves my vulnerable side.

I’ve learned better.  I recognize that my heart on my sleeve is my greatest strength AND  I can be selective and selfish about who I share that with.

But home is and has always been Kevin. Where he goes, I am.