Why does it feel wrong?

Pretty sure I upset a friend this week; it wasn’t intentional, but then, when do you ever really mean to hurt someone? That answer should be never, in case you were wondering.

I had just reached the end of the workday and I was desperate to escape for a run. The day hadn’t been bad, quite the contrary, actually, but the noise felt lout. Too loud. And I was ready to run.

Going to the gym didn’t start as a means to quiet my mind, but to get ready for our 20th anniversary trip to Hawaii. After a few months of it, it just became habit to go, even after our trip ended. And then, well, you have that one day that is just too much; and that’s when I really started looking at my gym time as a healthy outlet for everything. So I pushed myself on those tough days. It helped.

So on days when I’m ready to run, I’m really ready to get at it.

My friend was telling me about her recent break up; I am walking with purpose to the time clock to head out, ready to be done. Ready to do anything to quiet my thoughts. As I’m inching towards the door, she asks me if I have an appointment, and when I tell her I have to get to the gym, she tells me that she’s trying to talk to me about things with her ex.

And here is where it feels like I’m an uncaring, unfeeling asshole. Neither of which are true, but it still feels wrong. I was done for the day. I had met and probably exceeded my capacity for human interaction that day that didn’t include anyone I didn’t birth or live with. I wanted to go have that time for me, when the work is hard and the noise is quiet. And I told her to call me later, and I left. I booked it to my car and was at the gym 2 minutes later.

There’s one thing people don’t mention when you face trauma, and that is that even though you do the things, you see a therapist, you type it out, you run, you fight, and yeah, sometimes you crumble…none of that will ever truly erase the thoughts or memories or physical reactions you feel. Even years later. They help, for sure. But the noise still gets loud. And, when you’ve had to spend time in survival mode, in a constant state of fight or flight, your body doesn’t get that the reactions meant to protect them are not needed for simple things. Not immediately.

So when my friend’s very loud, very forceful, very chaotic re-telling felt like more than what it was, I chose to choose myself and my peace. I know it shouldn’t but why does it feel wrong? And I think I know why… it’s because we’re told, repeatedly, not to be selfish. But why is it selfish to choose yourself? I was putting my mental health first. I was not in a place to have all of that dumped on me. I don’t like feeling like I’m obligated to listen… I will. In the right time and head space, which was definitely not that day.

All of this also happened immediately following what I feel were her attempts to gas light me. The more I spend time with her, the more it feels like spending time with people I’ve cut out of my life for their toxicity. And similar tactics of manipulation.

I’ve always had people try to treat me as an emotional garbage dump, and that’s exhausting. And for someone who cares deeply for the people in her life, it was too much to constantly be on the receiving end of that script. I am so done letting people treat my compassion like a weakness and done letting them take advantage of that, too.

My boundaries should be clear, by my actions or by my words. I don’t know why it feels like I did something wrong by choosing myself, but it does. Might be a good conversation to have at my next session. For now, I will continue to run, and set boundaries, and choose me when I need to…even if it still feels wrong.