Did not expect that

There are a lot of things that hit a little more unexpectedly than I would like, and yes, most of those surround anything that has to do with Kevin’s accident.
Over the last few years, it’s become pretty common place for me to brace myself when someone brings up the subject or asks a question about the incident… I will never understand the need of some people pick at the scabs of a subject I’ve been clear I don’t want to speak about. It’s not even that I don’t want to talk about it, I do, but I’m also selective about the people I share my most vulnerable thoughts with. Any maybe they’re not picking and I’m being sensitive…

Anyways….

When I was grabbing my coffee this morning, I asked Kevin if our usual friend would be joining us for golf this weekend. Kevin said he would and then I kind of mentally drifted off into my day ahead and Kevin mentioned something about our friend talking about that…

I was spaced and asked, “talking about golf? Yeah…”

Kevin said no, Mr. golf buddy was talking about “that day.” Still blanked, not having any clue to what he was referring, and with my mind still firmly on golf, my coffee, and the workday ahead, I absently asked, “Saturday?”

“No, he was talking about that day” Kevin said.

Insert instantaneous blanking of my mind. That day. I knew which day he meant. The day of the accident.

Here is where I usually brace, knowing what is coming, knowing my heart is about to race and my breath is about to catch as my emotions overwhelm me… I waited a beat and then Kevin clarified: “He was talking about when he got called in that day.”

And nothing. No racing heart. No shortness of breath. No panic or anxiety of any kind.

Nothing happened.

I don’t know exactly what happened because this topic, his accident…I’m never comfortable speaking about that. Even now, as I type, I feel I’m holding back (I’m trying, I swear).

But today, when Kevin mentioned that our friend was talking about when he got called in that day? No reaction. I can only believe it was because Kevin was sharing it with me. And he’s my person. And I’ve never held back speaking about that day with Kevin.

You see, our golf friend? He works in the OR and was called in the day of Kevin’s accident. We live in a small community, and we all work for the same organization, in different areas. But Kevin and Mr. golf dude, have been friends for ages, not just colleagues, friends. Always golfing, talking sports, hanging out at whatever mutual event our children were participating in. Friends.

Now I don’t know much about what happened after I walked out of emergency room six that day; I left. I did not want to stay in that room and witness what the amazing team had to do to save my husband. I did not need those memories. What I do know? That he needed a thoracotomy so they could reach and repair his heart, was enough.

What I also know, is that in the sea of faces I saw lining that emergency room as Kevin was being prepped to be flown out, is that our friend’s face stood out.

I saw his grief, his sorrow, and his pain, clear as day, written across his face. I still see it. He was worried for his friend, understood the chances of his survival, which were less than 7 percent. He had to help save his friend, he had to use the rib spreader to access Kevin’s heart, watch as the doctors manually pumped his heart, took a turn doing so himself, and knew it might still not be enough. He listened and stood with the rest of team when they collectively decided they were not ready to call it, they were not willing to give up.

Our friend didn’t know it was Kevin initially; he just knew the case he was working on was not something that would likely come across again. I’m not sure when he realized it was working on Kevin, but it must have been devastating for him. He was in that room helping Kevin fight. He was witness to what I prayed were not my final words to Kevin. He watched as I begged Kevin to stay with me.

So today, when Kevin mentioned that our friend was talking about being called in that day… I didn’t flinch; there was no reaction. Kevin said our friend got a little choked up recalling these events and a new sense of kinship washed over me for our friend. And when I realized that maybe, just maybe I wasn’t the only one still hurting over this, I felt lighter.

I did not expect that