Nightmares are the worst

I recently read somewhere that nightmares are the minds way of processing traumatic events and memories. I always knew that was the case but having seen it in writing recently reminded me of a new nightmare I had recently; an “easy night-nightmare,” is what I call it.

You see, for me, there are two kinds of nightmares that I have; an “easy night-nightmare,” these are the ones that startle me from sleep, the ones that I know are ridiculous, and ones I usually try to wake myself up from, thinking, “This isn’t real.” They’re not to be overlooked though, they still carry the undertones for the “hard night-nightmares.”

These ones terrify me to no end because while the premise of the dream keeps in line with the easy night ones, the hard night-nightmares brings an unsettling and realistic feeling of grief and fear with them; in these nightmares, I can’t tell whether I’m awake or dreaming. All I know is the pain is too real in these dreams. There is no waking from these dreams; no thought that I can get out of this subconscious reality; these ones paralyze me. They can be so bad that in nights following them, I am afraid to sleep.

When it happens that I have a hard night-nightmare, when I am somehow able to wake up, it can take a bit to calm down, and it’s almost impossible to get back to sleep. Typically, I crawl into Kevin’s arms, or his lap if he’s already awake for the day, and sob uncontrollably. And he’s so patient with me: reminding me to breathe, that he’s right here; he’ll rub his fingers through my hair and circles over my back. We only pause so I can blow my nose because breathing becomes an issue when you’re laying down and crying your heart out. These dreams can lead me into a panic attack, which is something I’ve never used to experience before.

But this new nightmare, if you could even call it that, was different. You see, the others all have one thing in common, and that is that Kevin is gone: he’s either away, or leaving, or sometimes, the nightmares are related to injury. His accident, I almost lost him forever. Almost losing the person you love most, that will change you. And these fears, an abstract possibility before, came a little too close for comfort.

Anyways, this new nightmare: Kevin was leaving, being sent away: he’d somehow gotten involved with drugs and had been arrested. I remember thinking in the dream, this is freaking ridiculous! Kevin won’t even so much as take an acetaminophen unless he absolutely has to. When I work up, I shook my head, laughed a little, and got ready for the day.

But as I was telling Kevin about it later, I couldn’t help but feel a little of the grief that follows when I think of that day, when he was almost lost to me forever.

And I came to one conclusion either way: nightmares are the worst.