Interesting thought…

I don’t know if anyone is going to understand my rambling words, but I generally find myself thinking of multiple things at once, ya know? Like at work, I’ll be grabbing my coffee and thinking about what needs to be a priority for the day, if I’ll be staying for lunch or heading home, wondering what I can get the kids for their birthdays or Christmas, because I really need to start my shopping, whether I remembered to pay x, y, or z bill, and remind myself to make reservations for our upcoming trips. I struggle to settle my thoughts most days… that just me?

But I learned that if focus on something meaningful or challenging, my brain isn’t such a beehive of activity.

So I’ve been considering a line from one of my favorite songs by Fall Out Boy that says: “Sometimes the only payout, for having any faith, is when its tested again and again, every day.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot, recently, and trying to figure out what that means to me.

So far, all I think that means is to have faith that I will get through the tough times, they will come again, and I’ll get through those, too; I’m trying to find some strength in that, in the reminder that I’ve made it through 100% of the tough days… that I’ve been tested again and again and become better for it.

That’s an interesting way of thinking about things: that I’m better for having gone through those struggles surrounding Kevin’s accident (or any tough experience, really). FYI: Kevin’s accident included one flight for life and 7 days in the ICU, followed by 2 more on the cardiac floor, and several grueling months of cardiac and physical therapy. And healing is still in progress for both he and I, even 3 years later.

But I digress.

Becoming better: well, I certainly found my voice a little more, even if I wasn’t the most patient; I learned how to set boundaries and let others know when something was making me uncomfortable or asked them to change the subject; I even found more patience, eventually, though that is still an area I struggle with, with certain topics and people. I learned how to ask for help.

Just thinking of the emotional turmoil we’ve experienced over the last few years, the accident, the loss of loved ones…it’s been a lot because when it rains, it pours. And unfortunately, there hadn’t been a lot of time to properly grieve one loss before we suffered another. Each taking place around the same time of year over 4 successive years, ranging from mid-October to the end of November.

It’s made a season I used to love difficult to navigate.

I find, though, that there is a certain comfort in being repeatedly tested; a grace, if you will, about knowing that you would be able to handle all the rough times. Knowing that you have no choice but to continue on is one thing, but being repeatedly tested and knowing you’ll be able to handle it no matter what, that’s faith.