Still working it out

Alright…I’m still playing around with the appearance and set up of this blog. I’ve never done anything like this before, so bear with me as I try to figure it all out.

I’m also trying to work out how often I want to post; I have more good days than bad now but that doesn’t mean I’ll only be writing when I’m struggling. I think it’s important to remember to highlight all the good moments as well.

When I first started therapy, one of the first things I was told to do when a memory overwhelmed me was to make a list… well, box breathing might have been the first suggestion but making a list was definitely in there somewhere. And as someone who has been writing off and on since her teens as a means to alleviate stress and emotional turmoil, it seemed pretty natural.

That list, initially, included all of Kevin’s little victories after his accident; they included physical things he was able to accomplish in the early days: walking from the bed to the chair, the chair to the doorway, down the hallway to the nurse’s station, etc. Little victories that would help me remember that he was surviving and progressing.

I really struggled every time he wasn’t able to act physically the same way as before his accident; the instances are less overt now but I still see the signs: the way he grabs his chest where his ribs were cracked open, how he has less energy for the things he loves doing, how he still sometimes pulls away from my hugs-honestly, that one still hurts the most-because after 3 years, he still has extreme sensitivity to pressure against his sternum.

But this list, it got longer and longer, and I kept re-reading it over and over again. It helped. Until it didn’t. It helped calming me as it reminded me of how far he had come; but it sucked to remember where he had been, simply because those memories still have the power to break me. I’m still working on it, I mentioned that, right?

So I changed it. I realized that I needed my own list; something for me to read about myself that helped me to feel good. It was just another way for me to bring myself out of my anxiety, especially as we got closer to the first anniversary of his accident and it kicked into over-drive.

The list is self serving but not in the way you may think; all the comments are a response to my actions toward those I help to take care of. For me, this list is a reminder that I am capable of making someone else’s day a little bit easier to get through.

And that brings me the greatest relief; it reminds me of the people that were there to help me through the scary moments. I find peace in knowing that I can be that for someone else.

I’ve been working towards changing that mindset that leans towards the negative. It’s not always the easiest to do: being angry is easy. Reminding yourself that’s not who you are is difficult.

And it’s ok to struggle doing either.